The Sit Down Couch: Volume 1

Have you ever been reading something on the internet and thought to yourself “Self? This person needs a MF seat.” A whole stadium. A big, comfy couch. Those uncomfortable plastic things that they forced us to deal with in school. Somewhere, anywhere. They just needed to sit down and shut up. Well, have I got news for YOU! This is the weekly column where I will invite the public figures getting on your nerves to do JUST THAT. Let’s get into the people who I think need a god damned seat this week and why.

AZEALIA BANKS

This seat right here has been a long time coming. Azealia Banks has been regulated from “rapper” to random internet troll for a few years now but this week she posted a series of tweets in response to Lemonade by Beyonce that warrants a seat on some unknown and unidentified island where there is no internet connection. In initial reaction to Lemonade, Banks opinion (not that anyone cares) via tweets was positive…then she remembered she had another video coming out and decided to switch her gears for the publicity she knew that she would get from the Bey Hive.

So on the day of her new video premiere (what a coincidence), she switched gears with this tweet:

Yes, being a feminist apparently means that you can’t be hurt if you’re betrayed by someone that you love. Apparently she’s unaware of the effect of the black superwoman stigma that paints us as lacking in a full range of human emotions and the way that people use that stigma to justify degrading black women because we are only capable of being ABW (angry black women) or overly emotional. Apparently there is no middle ground with black women and the emotions that we are allowed to feel and perpetuating these ideas is beneficial to exactly no one. Here was the point where I was like… “bitch what”.

Who is “WE”? Ignoring the issues that black women face will not solve them. We get hurt and feel pain just as well as other women. We love and forgive just like other women. THIS IS a conversation that is needed in a world that dehumanizes black women. A journey to moving forward from being hurt was what Lemonade was about. Moving forward from being cheated on was just the personal experience of Beyoncé. But she also showed images of moving forward from losing a child from miscarried. Of losing a child that was murdered by the state. Of the feelings you have from a father you watched hurting your mother. It was not about staying sad. It was not about allowing yourself to be played but about holding someone accountable for the things that they’ve done to you or the things that have been done to you and then moving forward with the declaration that you will not be allowing yourself to stay a victim. It was about calling on the strength of strong women around you, to calling on gods and goddesses for protection and guidance. THAT is what Lemonade was about. The twitter tirade continues by claiming that Beyoncé was “stealing” and “poaching” from African religions but was singing about Jesus on the Grammy’s but considering literally no one knows that specific religious beliefs Beyoncé has I see no reason to even address that.

So Azealia Banks. Have a seat. In the cemetery where you mourn your career prospects and the edges that you know DAMN WELL Beyoncé snatched.

IGGY AZALEA

Girl. Girl. Girl. When the hell are you going to learn to sit down and shut up about anything that has something to do with black women as you actively appropriately literally everything about us? Wait, I’m ahead of myself. This week, Madame Igloo Australia, walking, shiny example of cultural appropriation, decided to let the world know via twitter that she thinks that the term “Becky” is racist.

Several things wrong here

Becky did not start as a term for white girls that love slobbing on knobs. Becky started in the Sir Mix a Lot video for “Baby Got Back” (you’d think a “rapper” would know that but I digress). Becky is the one of the friends in the opening dialogue of the video. The ones who sit and insult/degrade a black woman for having a black butt.

“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt.

It is so big. [scoff]

She looks like one of those rap guys' girlfriends.

But, you know, who understands those rap guys? [scoff]

They only talk to her, because, she looks like a total prostitute, 'kay?

I mean, her butt, is just so big.

I can't believe it's just so round, it's like, out there, I mean— gross. Look!

She's just so... black!”

Two white women talking down on something that is a common black feature is ironic since white women are getting butt implants and lip injections by the butt load… Including Iggy… I digress again.

Becky is the woman that black men go to because they love black feautures on anything but a black woman. Becky is that woman who is absent when black men are downing black women in favor of Eurocentric beauty standards. Becky is the white girl who appropriates black culture but doesn’t know iconic rap knowledge. Becky is the girl who is offended now because of Lemonade but thought the original dialogue was hilarious and thinks it’s cute to be called Becky in the context of Plies’ 2010 single of the same name. Iggy is offended by the term Becky cause she is the Beckiest bitch I’ve ever seen in my life and pretending that it’s some social justice issue is stupid as hell. But you tried honey. Oshun knows you did. Go your ass back down in whatever corner of obscurity that you climbed out of.

 

People of the internet who are writing thought pieces on Lemonade but didn’t watch it

Yes. This is an actual thing that people are doing. If this is you, stop. If you were thinking about doing this then don’t. If you dislike Beyoncé in general and wont support her, then fine. But hating something you haven’t seen is dumb as hell. DUMB. AS. HELL. Sit on down.

 

Reagan Era Republicans

 

This is a seat that has been coming for a long time, but the recent events of the death of First Lady Nancy Reagan, a new book about Reagan, and a possible movie starting Will Ferrell have reminded me how delusional and crazy Reagan Republicans are. When the Former First Lady died, articles commemorated her as this great and active person who bettered the world. I’m reading these articles confused as hell; the Reagans and their racially coded War on Drugs turned into a war on poor black people with the intent of keeping black men imprisoned. They expanded the prison industrial system and their trickle-down economics further impoverished black communities and lead to a shift in street gangs from protecting communities to selling drugs- ALL OF WHICH NEGATIVELY AFFECT BLACK PEOPLE TODAY. So pardon me if I don’t see the Reagans as these great people who positively changed the world because they did not.

Will Ferrell put out news that he was going to star in a comedy as Reagan with dementia- which is obviously in bad taste and republicans had the film shut down almost immediately. What’s hilarious is that they shut it down not because of making fun of Alzheimer’s- but their concern for “Reagan’s legacy”. A legacy of black poverty and finding a way to rebrand and reinstate chattel slavery is something to protect to Republicans. A new book by James Rosebush “True Reagan: What Made Ronald Reagan Great and Why it Matters” attempts to once again rewrite Reagans legacy. He was not a great president to ALL Americans. He was ONLY a great president to the rich, white, conservatives and those who have been indoctrinated to think he was great. And the sooner people make peace with this the better. If the job of the American President is to find new ways to put a foot on the throat of Black America (which it very well may be) then he was a wonderful president. So Reagan era Republicans- have a seat. Just not in the Oval office PLEASE.